D’Ough!

Dan here.  Recently, Beth has started baking a lot and proclaiming its stress-relieving benefits to the world.  Yesterday, I encountered the world of yeast and dough for the first time, and I have to say, my experience was quite different.  I have been feeling uninspired on the cooking front recently, but we had some ingredients we needed to use up and a pizza seemed to be the best way to do that.  Unfortunately, Beth hadn’t made any pizza dough, and after a quick glance at the recipe, which required a two-hour rise time, I knew that I would have to make it if we wanted to eat the pizza before bedtime (we go to bed early here at Casa Kitchen Minions).  Beth assured me that it was easy, so I dutifully pulled up the recipe on the Internet and set to work.  Below I have described the steps to this process, along with my internal monologue in italics. 
pizza one-001

Step 1:  Combine yeast and salt in a stand mixer:
I can put things into a bowl.  So far, so good.


Step 2: Add honey and 1 cup warm water.
That was no problem either.  I am totally baking now!


Step 3:  Let mixer spin to combine, or wait 5 minutes for yeast to activate.
Okay, I’m a little confused.  It looks like I can do one or the other, but if the yeast needs 5 minutes to activate, shouldn’t it need that time even if it’s all mixed up?  Also, do I need to be using the dough hook attachment?  I better see if Beth is on gchat. 


Step 4:  Add the oil and one cup of flour.  Once the first cup of flour is incorporated, add another and then a final quarter cup after the second cup is incorporated.  The dough should come together in a nice ball on the dough hook.
Okay, all the flour is in, but it’s still a puddly mess in the bowl.  Maybe if I wait a few more minutes it will magically become dough.  Waiting…waiting… wtf!  It’s still a puddly mess.  I think my dough is broken.  Better ask Beth.


Step 5:  Beth says to add more flour until the dough becomes a ball.
Okay, I added another spoonful, maybe it’s slightly less puddly?  Guess I better add some more.  Is it a ball yet?  Nope, still a puddle.  In the meantime, I’m probably mixing this to death.  Awesome.  And I have to leave for the pool in 15 minutes.  Why won’t you form a ball you stupid dough!  Guess I’ll add some more flour and pray to the dough spirits.


Step 6:  An additional 3/4 cup of flour or so has been added.
The mixer is flinging the dough around the bowl like a sock full of quarters and making funny sounds, but there’s still some pooled at the bottom of the bowl.  I think it’s time to stop?  Maybe?  I hope?

Step 7:  Remove the dough from the bowl and knead it for a few minutes.
Get off my hands you stupid dough!  No, stop sticking to the counter!  I feel like I’m dealing with a two-year-old here.  You know what?  Let’s just skip this step.


Step 8:  Put the dough in a bowl to rise for two hours.
Thank goodness I’m done with you, dough.  That was awful.  I’m putting you in time out to think about what you’ve done.


At this point, I left for the pool and let Beth assemble and bake the pizza.  It actually turned out pretty well, and I used a lovely acorn squash mixture in place of sauce that was quite tasty.  Still, I think it’s safe to say that I won’t be doing any more baking anytime soon.